The Lost Mission
by Myrddin 'Le Fay' Ignis Magus
Summary: Marauders era spoof/crack-fic! AU! Craziness ensues as Sirius spends some quality time telling Harry about his parents at school, or more importantly, his and James' misadventures. From "The Cookie of Doom" turning Lily into a crazy Magical Girl "Superhero", to other craziness.
1. The Cookie of Doom!

_**The Cookie of Doom!**_

"S-Sirius…?" James Potter stuttered out slowly, his cheeks paling as he looked around the coffee table they sat at together after Remus had forced them to finish their homework as the weekend ends.

He had just finished his last bit, an essay on the prober use for wolfsbane for Professor Slughorn. It's his OWL year so he figured he would at least try to get a good grade, and then perhaps Lily will finally give him a chance.

"Yeah, what is it?" he asked as he rubbed his nose and smudged some ink on it. He looked frustrated, and James knows it's because essays and other boring stuff like that just aren't easy for him. "You look like you've seen a ghost," he smirked, snickering at his 'humour' as at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry seeing ghosts is a regular thing.

James just rolled his eyes and glared. "This is serious for once…" he paused and glared harder. "And don't say it… its getting old. I've lost my cookie!" he cried out in frustration and horror as he again checked the table.

"A cookie…?" Sirius asked laughing at him. "Bloody hell, just get a new one!"

"You don't understand!" he yelled out in panic. "It's the Cookie of Doooooooom!" he cried out searching again while Sirius just blinked stupidly as he heard thunder explode from somewhere before shrugging it off and laughing. "It's not funny Sirius. The Cookie of Doom!" Insert thunder. "Note the capital letters in all the right places. This is bad. If someone eats that and it gets traced back to me… oh sweet Merlin I'll be screwed, and not in the good way!"

"So, what does this cookie do?" Sirius had to ask. He was now curious.

James shuddered, looking around to make sure no one but Sirius could hear him. "I don't know, but it has to be bad right. I mean, it's The Cookie of Doom!" Cue thunder. "Where the hell is that thunder coming from?" he mildly wondered as its sunny outside without a cloud in the sky.

Sirius just shrugged. "Well, how do you know it's really, The Cookie of…" he trailed off as he heard a faint rumble. "The You-Know-Cookie if you don't know what will happen if someone eats it?"

"Because it has to do something cool, but I messed up the potion," he replied secretively. "Plus its called The Cookie of Doom!" he cried in hysterics as thunder exploded outside again they both rushed over to look outside, but it was still bright and hot. "The Cookie of Doom…!" he tried in curiosity.

Thunder boomed and they watched a streak of lightning slide across the sky out of nowhere. "And, that seems to keep happening," he answered. "Ominous thunder and lightning has to mean something doesn't it?"

"I think you're right," he shakily replied. "We should find The You-Know-Cookie!"

James nodded in agreement and they quickly searched the table and even their dorm room, but they couldn't find it anywhere.

They were both exhausted when they finally returned to the common room to find it a mess. It looked like a hurricane had blast through and several students were curled up and whimpering while others where stunned and hanging from their ankles but a certain spell some dipshite they don't like came up with, which they stole.

They rushed over to the nearest. It was Lily's friend. "Alice, what happened?" James asked the whimpering girl.

She just looked at him shaking. "L-Lily… went crazy and weird… *cough*. We tried to s-stop her and get her to the nurse's office, but… *shudders*. She beat us all up…"

Sirius and James gulped as they looked at each other. "If I go down you're going down with me," James said as Alice passed out from fright.

"I didn't make the cookie!" he retorted but knew by James' expression that he didn't care. "Ok, we've got to go and stop Lily before she does anything else!"

"Alright!" he agreed and he led Sirius out of the common room. They grimaced as then walls were covered in graffiti. He snorted as he read something. "Albus Dumbledore is the real Dark Lord, run, hide, help me, Magical Girl Lily, and bring about his downfall!"

They both couldn't help but laugh. "Well, that explains a lot," Sirius said smirking. "I always thought Dumbledore was just senile, but looking at it maybe he is evil!"

James rolled his eyes and tried not to laugh. "Do you have any idea how much trouble we're going to be in if someone finds out… oh, crap, she's going to try vanquishing Dumbledore!"

Sirius couldn't help but snicker. "Come on. I have got to see this!" he laughed as he led the way. "If we're going to get into trouble, we might as well enjoy the show."

James could only nod in agreement as they followed the graffiti to where it led to the Great Hall. They paused for a moment as they could hear fighting going on in the hall. They quickly slipped in and tried hard not to laugh as the students watched in stupefied awe.

The Death Nibblers, including Snape where in severe states of distress having had been tied up, painted, and in Snape's case his once nice hair was a splattering of grease. However, looking to a wall to see a pissed off Albus Dumbledore screaming in anger for Lily to let him down from where he had been bound and stuck to the ceiling with his beard and hair turned pink. Some teachers were trying to get him down but having no luck, and he couldn't help himself as his arms were stick too, and his wand missing.

Though, that was hilarious Lily was battling both McGonagall and Flitwick, and winning. She had changed her clothes for a black school skirt hanging halfway down her thighs, and a slender top and robe with a sailor like tie-collar in Gryffindor red and gold. She wore a golden head band with Gryffindor coat of arms on the centre.

Her slender robe is only done up around her waist and allowed for her legs to be seen. She was wearing black half boots with Gryffindor soaks up to just above her knees. Lily's hair was tied back with a red ribbon, and she wore black gloves, her emerald eyes were alight with justice.

Lily had a wand in each hand (having stolen Dumbledore's) and was flinging and deflecting spells as they came. McGonagall and Flitwick were being pushed back. "I can not lose to you villains!" Lily cried out as she started pushing the worried Professors back. "I will get justice for all those he has wronged. He will be placed in jail along with these evil Death Eater recruits. Then I'll track down Voldemort and destroy him!"

"Wow, everyone is so shocked they didn't flinch," James said in awe. "Damn stupid You-Know-Cookie!"

"Do you think we should try helping?" Sirius asked. He was having too much fun watching and didn't want to end up tied up and beaten by a girl.

James looked to Sirius and back to Lily before shaking his head. "Na… what's the worse that could happen?"

"For justice, and love, and the power of Gryffindor…!" Lily ranted as she thought. "Oh, and the power of the moon…!" she rattled on looking pleased with her self.

"What's the moon got to do with anything?" James asked looking confused now.

Sirius just shrugged. "I don't know, but I don't want to mess with her!"

"Yeah, me either," James agreed quickly. "Let's get out of here!"

_**0oo00oo0**_

Lily giggled as she gagged all of her captured enemies to stop all of their empty threats and chained and shackled them all in the dungeons. It was unfortunate that after she defeated McGonagall with her awesome powers that she had to defeat all the other teachers too. It had looked like some students thought about attacking her, but one kind smile and they changed their ways. She'll have to keep a watch out just in case.

Finally shackling Dumbledore while he glared his evil at her. She shook her head in pity. "If only you used your powers for good, we could have been on the same side. This will teach you for messing with Magical Girl Lily!" she giggled as she made some silly poses before locking him in his cell.

He just sighed in defeat as she skipped off whistling a tune. If he ever gets out of this mess he will never live down his defeat by a fifteen year old girl. Whoever did this to her is going to pay big. If he can get free. He struggled for an hour or so before realising its going to be harder than that.

Lily meanwhile had returned to the Gryffindor common room where all of the Gryffindor's ran to move out of her way as she twiddled her wands. James and Sirius looked at each other nervously wondering whether they should sneak out later to free her prisoner or not. They probably won't, after all they don't want to get into trouble.

They certainly don't want to piss of Magical Girl Lily!

"Sirius…!" Harry Potter interrupted his godfather while they sat in a room at Grimauld Place where Buckbeak the hippogriff lived. Sirius was telling Harry some amusing stories about his father and him at school. "There is no way my mum was made crazy by a cookie!"

Sirius shuddered at the memory. "Trust me Harry, its true!" he was quick to defend himself. "Your mum had imprisoned most of the staff and at least a quarter of Slytherin House!"

"Yeah, right," Harry said doubtfully. "Just because of this Cookie of Doom!?" he said as he jumped when a boom of thunder exploded outside even though it was bright out. Harry's mouth just hung open in shock.

The door then opened and Remus Lupin stood their grinning. "Are you telling him the story of The You-Know-Cookie, and Magical Girl Lily?"

"Yeah, good times," he said laughingly. "Come in, Harry doesn't believe me!"

Remus chuckled as he closed the door and took a seat. "I know it might be hard to believe, but James really did create the… You-Know-cookie. She was scarier than Voldemort. I bet she could have defeated him given the chance. Where did you get too?"

"She just came back after locking up Dumbledore…" Sirius said chuckling at the memory. Harry just sat dumbfounded as he realised they weren't making it up.

Remus laughed, shaking his head. "Sorry Harry, but it gets better from there…!"

Harry just sat and listened as Remus continued the story of The Cookie of Doom! He started as the thunder boomed. He sighed. His life was crazy enough as it is.


	2. The Antidote of Doom!

_**The Antidote of Doom!**_

James and Sirius sighed. It has been one week since Lily ate the Fabled Cookie… thunder boomed confusingly. Dumbledore and his fellow teachers and a quarter of Slytherin House were still locked away in the dungeons, and the two pranksters wondered how much longer it would take for the Ministry to turn up.

Both James and Sirius were sitting at the teachers table either side of Lily as she happily ate her breakfast waiting, just waiting. They've been trying to create an antidote all week, and finally they think they have it. If not, they might make matters worse.

They held their breaths in anticipation when Lily raised her glass of juice to her lips but paused again and placed it down to do her prefect duty and reprimand a student. If it weren't for them all fearing Lily the place would be absolute chaos.

She then went to take a drink again when Alice came over sitting next to James. "Hey, Lily," she interrupted, nervously greeting her best friend. James could almost hex her as she stopped Lily from drinking.

"Oh, hello Alice," she greeted pleasantly. "Oh, I think our tables run out of juice. Here have this, I feel like a cup of tea anyway," she said handing over her juice to the boys' horror and pouring her self a cup of tea.

"OH, thanks Lily, you're the best," she said as she drained the juice dry.

"Oh, crap," James moaned, whimpering.

Lily looked at him suspiciously. "What's wrong with you two anyway?" she asked looking from one boy to the other. "You're both very quiet… why?"

They were saved from answering as Remus sat next to Sirius. "Alice drunk the antidote didn't she?" he asked not even caring that Lily could hear him.

"A-antidote…!?" Alice squeaked out looking worried. "Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't know. You should have told me!"

"What antidote?" Lily asked looking confused. "Did someone poison me?"

"Umm… no… umm… antidote is a special new flavour," Sirius quickly said. "We only made that one and was wondering what you would think."

"Oh well," she shrugged with a huge grin. "I'll have to try some next time, but don't think I'll put aside some of my time. I'm a Magical Girl after all and I have to protect everyone from evil," she said as she popped a piece of toast in her teeth before grabbing her book bag, mumbling her bye and leaving them.

"If Lily wasn't drugged up by The Cookie of Doom…!" Alice paused for the thunder and streak of lightning across the enchanted ceiling. "She would not have fallen for such obvious bull! You best make some more antidotes. I have to follow that fine piece of Magical Girl ass," she sighed. "Mrs. Alice Magical Girl Lily has a nice ring to it," she said dreamlike as she got out of her seat.

James, Sirius, and Remus just watched with their mouths hanging open as Alice was blatantly checking out Lily's rear while hungrily licking her lips as she ran to catch up. The three boys just gave each other worried looks.

"So, that's two antidotes we need," Remus said worriedly. "Maybe we could persuade Lily into letting Madam Pomfrey go so we can at least get some help."

"I doubt she will, even if we tell her we need the nurse," James said sighing. "Lily has convinced herself that Pomfrey is an Evil Nurse, and that's with a capital E and N!"

"Alice and Lily," Sirius implied with a small grin that got the other two blushing and giggling, and if this were an anime they would all have huge nose bleeds because for some odd reason Japanese comic book writers think perverted thoughts equals bloody nose.

"_Remus! Sirius!" Harry interrupted the story glaring at them. "That's my mum you douche bags. She was still under the influence of The…" he paused as the thunder bangs had been getting on his nerves. He still doesn't get why they keep happening. It doesn't happen when someone says or thinks Voldemort. He paused his thought just encase someone does hate him, but was thankful for the silence. _

"_The You-Know-Cookie!" he finished, but he was still glaring. Sirius just continued grinning while Remus had the decency to look sheepish. "OK, so you were having trouble getting her the antidote and Alice became infatuated with mum because the antidote sucked! Your antidote making skills needed work, but it doesn't sound that bad!"_

_They both laughed rolling their eyes. "Oh, how naive you can be Harry," Sirius said shaking his head in mock pity. "We had given Alice, The Antidote of Doom!" he said as thunder exploded outside._

_Harry just smacked his head. "How… why the hell does that keep happening… it's stupid, and doesn't make sense!" he cried out almost crying._

"_We've never really figured that out," Remus said shrugging. "It's kind of disturbing in an amusing kind of way!" _

"_Harry, Sirius, Remus!" Ginny called as she barged in to see the three sitting around talking. "I finally found you," the cute red haired girl said smiling. "Mum sent me to find you. She thinks you keep making some thunder boom all over the street since you're all together. I don't think she trust you not to be stupid."_

_Harry sighed sadly. "Sirius and Remus are just telling me about their school days during year five; about…" he sighed. "The Cookie of Doom!" he said and she was startled by the thunder looking around in bemusement. "My mum accidently ate it and she became Magical Girl Lily and apparently conquered Hogwarts from the evil teachers and Death Nibblers before imprisoning them all in the dungeons, Dumbledore included._

"_These idiots created an antidote that Neville's mum accidently drunk," he rolled his eyes as she listened. "The antidote turned out to be…"_

"_The Antidote of Doom?" she interrupted and he nodded while the thunder exploded. "That's freaky," she commented as she could tell they did nothing. "Well, I want to hear the rest too," she said closing the door and plopping down and sitting against the wall next to Harry._

"_Are you sure, it just seems to get stupider," Harry complained. "Though, I'll admit it would probably be nice to eat the You-Know-Cookie and become unstoppable."_

"_I don't think it made her unstoppable, or even powerful," Remus said with a shrug as they looked at him in surprise. "I think it just messed with her personality and lowered her inhibitions. It made her be what she wanted to. It gave her confidence to believe that she could do anything, and she just had the skill and power that she almost could do ANYTHING!_

"_I still say that if she had the guts, she could have destroyed Voldemort," he finished off with a sad smile. "I had always hoped you would be like her Harry, but maybe she was right and Dumbledore is evil. He never exactly gave you a chance to be like her."_

_Harry groaned in annoyance. "Don't even think about the Girl Potion of Doom!" he said flipping them the bird and slumping in defeat as thunder boomed. "Oh, crap, there's not is there?"_

"_Don't want to talk about it!" they both quickly said tight lipped, which caused both teens to burst out laughing._

"_Well, anyway," said Sirius impishly, his cheeks pink. "We got up and chased after Alice and Lily before they did something they'll regret, or threw most of the Purebloods in 'jail' like Lily had threatened…"_

James, Sirius, and Remus followed after Lily and Alice. They would have had their other friend with them both Lily had already arrested him for being a creepy little rat. They couldn't really be annoyed with that as they tend to agree. He is a creepy little rat so they didn't try getting him out. They don't want to get lumbered by in jail do they?

The three boys froze when they exited the Great Hall; their mouths dropping open to find Alice wearing a cute black dress with a white lily in her blonde hair, and curled up in Lily's arms (now in her magical Girl outfit) while Lily giggled while Minister Fudge during his first month in office was crying as his ten aurors were down, whimpering on the ground.

Fudge was hanging upside down by his ankles by Lily's wand. He was crying and begging her to let him go. Meanwhile Alice was nibbling Lily's neck, but the red head either didn't notice or didn't mind, but it was smoking hot anyway.

"I shall not let you go evil doer!" she cried out and with a flick of her wand he was fully incapacitated. "Come my beautiful princess; let's put these evil minions and their master in jail. Lily Squad, help me take them to jail!" she demanded to the three boys, having gotten used to being Lily Squad members.

"Oh, Merlin we're going to be in so much trouble!" Remus complained as the three boys obediently complied and levitated a few men each while Lily and Alice took the Minister. They followed after her to the dungeons.

"Hey we could always help her take over the Magical World," James suggested reasonably. "If Lily's in charge they'll all stay in jail and we'll never have to worry about it again."

"Good idea," Sirius readily agreed. "I mean, with Magical Girl Lily in charge I'm sure Voldemort wouldn't stand a chance!" he snickered while the other two glared as they reached the cells. They just threw in their captured men not caring about the glaring and angry prisoners.

"Well, I suppose you have a point," James slowly agreed. "After all, Magical Girl Lily is awesome strong. She did beat Dumbledore loads of students and the other teachers."

"James, Sirius, Remus," someone whispered from behind while Lily and Alice dumped the Minister in a cell. They looked round to see Dumbledore in his cell was speaking to them. "You have to get us out of here… whatever happened to Miss. Evans doesn't seem to be wearing off."

"Hey, we don't want Lily angry at us, Professor," Sirius was quick to say. "We're working on the antidote, but Alice accidently drunk it…"

"Well that explains that," McGonagall said from in with Dumbledore gesturing to where Alice was all clingy and giggly in Lily's arms. "Next time make an antidote that works, and doesn't get drunk by someone else!"

"Try my Potion Lab," Professor Slughorn interrupted from where he sat on one of the beds. "I have some pretty good books on potions. It looks like whatever happened to her did a number to her personality and well as strength."

"Lily Squad, what are you doing!?" Lily interrupted suspiciously and making them jump and spin around.

"Umm… we were just trying to talk them into changing their evil ways!" James was quick to say as Alice was by her side holding her hand, but she didn't call him on the lie and just gazed lovingly at Lily.

"They're passed redemption now," Lily said as she patted James' head. "But it was noble of you to show such goodness to try helping these poor lost souls! Lets go Lily Squad, lets move out!" she said pulling Alice with her the boys followed as they were verbally abused by 'inmates'.

"_Well, that explains why Fudge doesn't like me," Harry interrupted looking amused. "I wonder whether I should lock him in the dungeons?" _

"_Sounds like a plan," Ginny agreed giggling. "But I would like to hear a little about the Girl Potion of Doom!" she said smirking at both men while the thunder made them flinch._

"_Oh, that has got to be just as funny if not more so than this," harry agreed with an evil smirk. "Maybe I should slip them some truth potion!"_

"_Truth Potion of Doom…!?" Ginny suggested and they started at the thunder. "Is there anything non-Doom that you morons made?" _

"_Umm… I don't think so," Sirius said sheepishly. "Well, except the animagus potion. That actually went rather well."_

"_Odds were you were bound to get lucky eventually," Harry commented rolling his eyes, a small smirk on his lips. "OK, so what happened next… it is kind of amusing…"_


	3. The Soup of Doom!

_**The Soup of Doom!**_

Lily smiled in happiness as she sat in the Gryffindor common room with her girlfriend Alice snuggled up into her side while she read a book. It's about some stupid girl who needs to become a Magical Girl to really be awesome. However, she falls in love with a plumber, and Lily wondered who comes up with this crap. These people seem to be evolved dinosaurs too. She would give up on it, but she's read so much now she's curious to see what happens next.

She has invested so much time and effort into reading about these 'Super' Plumber Brothers that she can't quit now. She's just too stubborn to give up. It could be interesting if only it was a different book. Though, it's better than that book that won't be written for a few decades that will make silly little girls pee themselves thinking about sparkly butted vampires.

Her Lily Squad, having grown by one over the past few days was sitting nearby plotting how best to go about getting Lily and Alice to take the new and improved antidote they made into a delicious looking soup. Well, Ok, it was a couple of cans of chicken soup they dumped into the potion so they could get Lily and Alice to try some.

Frank Longbottom, the newest member of the Lily Squad had been voted into tricking the girls into trying some of the soup. He didn't know how he was going to do that as both girls are bat shit crazy. If only his idiot friends weren't so stupid and maybe he should have hid out in another house.

However, when he had gotten up his nerve to go and just offer the girls some soup. He figured it would be best to try the easiest thing first rather than any of James' or Sirius' crazy schemes when he realised the girls were leaving the common room.

The four boys looked at each other in shock before quickly rushing after them before they lose them. They sneakily followed them for a short way when the girls span around and looked at them baffled. They just paused quickly, all four trying to think of an excuse.

"Why are you following us?" Lily asked them suspiciously.

"Umm…" Frank mumbled in fear. "W-we're the Lily Squad so we have to… err, protect you."

"Oh, right," she agreed nodding her head with a beaming grin. "Of course, I almost forgot that. Hmm… while you're my elite I think I need some Lily Fodder! I don't want to lose my best fighters when I can just recruit some weaklings! Remus, Frank, why don't you be dears and go and start the Lily Fodders!"

"Err, OK," Frank said nervously as he handed the thermos over to James and quickly fled with Remus right behind him. They didn't even wish them good luck.

"Oh, what is that James-see?" Lily asked as she took note of the thermos. "Is that some tea…?" she asked hopefully. "I could do with a nice cup of tea!"

"Umm… its chicken soup," James said quickly with a hopeful smile and cussing himself for not thinking of making the antidote in tea. "Would you like some?"

"Do you have some buttered bread too?" she asked hopeful.

He shook his head cussing himself again. "No, I didn't think to bring any."

"Well, never mind," she said sadly. "Oh, hey, you…!" she called as a Slytherin girl with black hair was trying to sneak by without being noticed. She turned with horror in her blue eyes, whimpering. "Here, have some soup," she said taking the thermos and shoving it into the girl's arms.

Sirius and James could only watch in horror as Lily near forced her to drink some looking as if she was only too happy to help the girl have a snack. Sirius mildly wondered how his cousin wasn't even in jail, but then she is smart enough not to get caught doing bad things.

Bella Black could only drink from the flask. She had expected poison, but instead it was just chicken soup. However, after a few moments she felt odd before a wide grin stretched her lips and dropping the thermos she dropped to her knees bowing lowly she leaned in and licked Lily's smooth legs with a look of worship.

"My Mistress," she sighed in happiness as she snuggled to Lily's legs.

"_OK, no way!" Ginny interrupted before Harry could beat her too it. "Were you responsible for her going bat shite crazy!?"_

"_Umm… might have been," Sirius muttered sheepishly. "I mean, she would have eventually joined Voldemort anyway, but she would have probably had a decent head on her shoulders."_

"_But she hates muggle born's," Harry added, baffled. "What the hell did this… dare I say it…?" They nodded sadly. "Soup of Doom," he said and as expected the thunder rumbled outside. "Do to her?"_

"_I don't think she does hate muggle born's," Remus answered with a shrug. "She just hates whoever her master does."_

"_Harry are you in here?" they were startled as Hermione Granger barged in. she looked around and glared at them all. She especially glared at Ginny as the red head was leaning up against Harry and near holding his arm. "What are you all doing in here anyway, and why do you keep making those thunder sounds?"_

"_Oh, Merlin, it's The Hermione of Doom!" Harry cried out but everybody startled as thunder roared. Harry burst out laughing before Sirius, Remus, and Ginny joined in. "That is hilarious, the Doom Thunder considers her a danger to our safety!"_

_Hermione just looked baffled as she looked around confused as to how that thunder came to be. "What's going on…? What are you all doing here? Harry you should be with me and Ron," she reprimanded._

"_I'm hanging out with Sirius, Remus, and Ginny," he answered with a shrug. "I am allowed other friends you know," he said rolling his eyes and not missing the look that said otherwise. "Sirius and Remus were telling me about my parents and some funny things that happened at school."_

"_Harry, Dumbledore wouldn't want you wasting your time with that," she told him shaking her head and missing the four glares she received. "You should be studying, and with You-Know-Who back you'll be in danger." _

_He just shrugged. "I don't care what you say. You know your parents Hermione so shut up," he said, and was still smiling while she grimaced. He then turned back to Sirius and Remus. "So, what happened after Bella drunk the You-Know-Soup…?" he asked eagerly and they ignored Hermione storming out and slamming the door. _

James and Sirius could only watch in horror as Lily smile and pet Bella's head before leading her and Alice away. "We suck at this," Sirius commented offhandedly. "Never ask us to save the day because we'll mess it up some way."

"Well, at least next time we'll learn to make tea," James said with a tired sigh as they quickly followed after the three girls, both Bella and Alice hanging off an arm each in worship for Bella, and admiration for Alice.


End file.
